According to William Bridges, a transition is the inner psychological process that people go through as they internalize and come to terms with the new situation that the change brings about.
Looking back and reading my own journal, I can see the following sentence written down: “I’m getting married in 11 days. I’m moving to Chicago in 2 months. We still don’t have our visas or plane tickets. We are selling everything we own.”
The following story is about my experience as a trailing spouse and how I navigated the different phases of living abroad. It’s about moving from one country to another to accompany your partner in their career.
Endings - Transition starts with an ending
This journey officially started in August 2019, when my husband and I traveled to Chicago, USA, for him to start his master’s program at The University of Chicago. It actually started at least 1 year before that when we sat down to talk about the possibility of moving abroad together.
At that time, I was working at a job that I had felt very passionate about but I was ready for something new. After working there for six years, moving to the US seemed like a great reason for me to quit and make a change. Leaving this job was extremely hard for me, not only because of everything that I had learnt and the incredible friends I had made, but also because I honestly didn’t see myself working in any other place. Anyway, I longed for a change and felt excited and very much in love to face the challenge of experiencing life together in another country.
Three months before getting on the plane to Chicago we faced a great number of decisions, obstacles, and changes in our lives. First, we chose to move forward with our plan even though the visas we were given didn’t allow me to work while living there. This was definitely a hard one because we had always visualized that I would be able to work once we were settled in. We then proceeded to quit our jobs, sell all our furniture and belongings, and leave our apartment in Buenos Aires. Finally, we got married and celebrated this very special moment with each other, family, and friends.
Apart from living in two wonderful cities (two years in Chicago and now in Somerville), there are many reasons why this experience has been amazing in so many ways. I’ll start off by expressing how incredibly free and brave I felt for deciding to leave my comfort zone and pursue this adventure. The first months in Chicago I felt alive, awake and so grateful for this opportunity. I also felt a deep connection and commitment in my relationship; we were closer than we had ever been, like the strong team that we are today.
I met the most amazing people who later became lifelong friends and who now feel like family. Living in such a peaceful and quiet neighborhood, surrounded by amazing parks and the most incredible Lake Michigan reminded me of how important nature is to me and how I want to prioritize it in my life from now on.
Although not being able to work was very challenging, there were lots of special moments. After 6 years of working full time at a job in which I had many responsabilities, I will never forget the amazing feeling of lying on the beach on a Monday afternoon and just enjoying the fact of being alive and present.
Coming back to the heart
Some challenges started to show up when I was alone at our apartment and having time to actually stop and reflect. I will never forget when my husband left for his first day of classes. As soon as he shut the door I broke down into a million pieces. He was feeling a bit nervous and so excited that the day had finally arrived and, even though I noticed I was feeling sad and scared, I didn't tell him because I didn’t want him to worry. I know… this is already a red flag!
All sorts of thoughts and doubts came to mind… What am I doing here? What am I going to do? What have I done? I had spent so much time thinking of how to get there, but I never gave much thought to how I would move forward once I was already there. So many things had happened in just a few months, and as I sat there I started to feel it all.
Time passed by… winter got closer, my husband and friends started studying more and more and I started to feel very lonely and completely unproductive in my day to day life. From my perspective, everyone around me was ‘moving forward with their careers’ and I felt so lost trying to figure out what to do with mine! I felt anxiety, rage, a deep sadness which I sometimes confused with depression, and a sense of losing my true self.
A dear friend once sent me an article called “The Trailing Spouse”, written by Chloe Braithwaite, who expresses exactly how I felt. Her first line says: “Exciting life abroad, tick. Hitting rock bottom, also tick.” When talking about her experience she mentions the following: “My career had come to a grinding halt, and I was growing resentful. I felt dependent on my partner. I had no income of my own. And I was starting to realize I had no idea who I was anymore. I was not the same adventurous, optimistic woman I was.”
Feeling all of this led me to discussions and fights with my husband. I doubted the decision we had made; I doubted our marriage… I felt completely dependent on him both economically and emotionally and found myself constantly comparing myself to him even though I really tried not to.
This was so confusing because I was also so excited and happy for him, for the path he was creating for himself and for giving me this amazing opportunity to live abroad with him and create a life together.
When people asked my family or friends about me, they would answer: “Tania lives in the US because her husband studies at UChicago” or “because her husband works at Harvard”. Hearing those answers triggered me in so many ways! Of course it was true but there was a part of me that felt automatically attached to him, as if I weren’t even considered an individual and autonomous person.
I felt lost and angry and I did not know where to go. I imagined going back to Buenos Aires with my family and friends but that didn’t even help me feel better… I felt stuck either way, no matter where I was geographically. There was no way to escape this feeling other than sitting with whatever was there. Not skipping or jumping over it… going through it. “The only way out is going through,” says Robert Frost.
I now realize how natural and necessary it is to feel stuck and lost. It took me some time to listen to this more compassionate voice I had inside. This voice that realized how completely okay it is to not know what I wanted to do.
Feeling anger was something very uncomfortable and new to me. I didn't know what to do with it. I was angry at my husband, at myself and at this inner voice that was constantly telling me I had to be successful. In one of her writings, Rachel Brathen, a yoguini I strongly admire, once described this feeling as if her head and heart were playing a tug of war where her head would be fighting for who I was supposed to be, for getting many things done in one day and on the other hand her heart, who was needing so much love and compassion.
In that stillness and silence, all sorts of questions and insights started to come up.
What did productivity mean to me?
Did work give my life a purpose?
Was productivity associated with having a purpose in life?
Why was I being so hard on myself?
Why couldn’t I fully enjoy the free time I had?
Where was this guilty sensation coming from?
If I had been able to have a job, would I be happier or would it just be a “band aid” for what I was really feeling?
Should I do a Master program like everyone else?
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